1 Happy St.

At lunch today, I was walking out of a restaurant when I saw a guy walking towards me that looked like an old High School friend of mine named Marcus. It looked so much like him that I actually thought it was, so I called out to him.

"Hey Marcus!!!"

But just as soon as the words left my mouth and we locked eyes, I realized, oh shit that’s not Marcus.

But it turns out it was. Kinda.

"Yeah?" he said.

"I’m sorry, I thought you were someone I know."

"Named Marcus?"


"That’s MY name."

"Are you serious? That’s incredible. You look just like an old friend of mine whose name is also Marcus."

"Dude you’re freaking me out."

And then we parted ways.

Today is weird.

Tour of the building went well. The kids were great. Only 2 of them asked me how much money I make, so that was nice. I didn’t give them a dollar amount, I just said “well I drive a mid size American car. That about sums me up perfectly.”

Oh and the lady who coordinated this thing spelled my name as Brain. It was a really nice day actually. Glad I was part of it.

Tour of the building went well. The kids were great. Only 2 of them asked me how much money I make, so that was nice. I didn’t give them a dollar amount, I just said “well I drive a mid size American car. That about sums me up perfectly.”

Oh and the lady who coordinated this thing spelled my name as Brain. It was a really nice day actually. Glad I was part of it.

One day last month I somehow signed up for a volunteer program at work that caters to at-risk High School students. I remember signing up for it, but I didn’t realize what it was until a couple days later when we had our first conference call about it and I learned that I’d have to give 30 kids or so a tour of our building. Today is the day when they come. Oh man this is gonna be a shit-show. I barely know what’s on my floor. I have no idea what I’m going to be showing these kids on floors I’m not familiar with.

Me: Now if you’ll all follow me, over here we have some people at desks. Notice they’re all working very hard. You have to work hard to earn a good living. Hahaha, LOL.Now over here, you’ll see some empty desks. This is where people USED to sit, but they were surplussed earlier this year.

Student: What’s ‘surplussed’ mean?

Me: Good question. See a surplus is a management term for laying someone off. You know what a layoff is, right? Well management calls that a “surplus”. I guess it’s less offensive and scary maybe? Anyway, these people probably worked hard, but corporate has this thing called a “bottom line”, which says no amount of profits are too much. So they rounded up all the people that sat at these desks and they sent them home, never to be seen or heard from again. Later they’d go on unemployment, but that wouldn’t help pay their bills, so the whole family dynamic would break down and their kids would act out and so on and so forth. And that’s probably one of the reasons you’re here today and why I’m here giving you this tour instead of back at my desk working. The circle of life. Any other questions? No? Okay great, moving on…….



  1. The bees are on the what now? - The Simpsons
  2. Who wants cake?” Let me tell you something: They all do. They all want cake. - Strangers with Candy
  3. I seent it - ‘Pineapple Express’
  4. We beat Penicillin! - Kids in the Hall ‘Brain Candy’
  5. I…

  1. Look away I’m hideous. – Cosmo Kramer
  2. You’re as useless as hen shit on a pump handle – City Slickers
  3. Do you know him? Does he call you at home? DO YOU HAVE A DORSAL FIN? – Ace Ventura
  4. I love inside jokes. I hope to be a part of one some day. – The Office
  5. Major Problems!!! – Mosby and Scherbatsky
  6. Well at least I never slept with Lumbergh. – Office Space
  7. That’s what SHE said. – Gone With The Wind, I think
What It’s Like To Live With Me, Picking Out A Tie Edition

Me: Which one do you like better?

Her: Depends on the shirt, but I like both of them.

Me: So it’s a tie then?

This video looks like something from Chappelle’s Show. Just sprinkle some crack on him and go.

But it’s not funny. Because this really happened.

I have no idea what the hell is going on anymore. Why are there so many stories and videos like this one recently? Did situations like this happen all the time prior to social media, but we’re just seeing it more now? Or is this randomness at work and hopefully we’re just in the midst of a trapped in a mine-like news cycle? I honestly don’t know the answer. I fear it’s the former. But anyway, watch that video and be outraged like me. Seriously this shit needs to stop.

(via Steve)

Brian’s Fuzzy Memories

The year is 1995. I’m 16 years old and I’m visiting my brother at school for the weekend. We’re sitting in his freshman dorm room searching for things to do. We come across his roommate’s Casio keyboard which has the ability to record voice sounds. It also has an option to modify the recording and play things back in reverse. For instance, if I recorded myself saying my name, we could then reverse it and the keyboard would play something back that sounded like “nehiiirrrrb”.

So what do 2 teenage boys do with a tool like this and all the free time in the world? They try to record themselves saying things in reverse, then have the keyboard reverse it so that it plays normal.

Oh my stars I think we just found something to do for the next 8 hours.

You really have no idea how hard it is to say things in perfect audio reverse. You’re not just reading things backwards. No you have to get the sound right.

In walks his roommate Spoon. No not his roommate’s spoon. His roommate, Spoon. Spoon was his name. Yeah I don’t know either.

"Hey man check this out"

/hits record button

"Loooooof…..ahhhhh zeh NOOOOOOPSSSSS"

/hits play in reverse button

"Sssspooooooon izzzzz ahhhh foooooool"

/Spoon leaves room

I’m not sure how much tuition cost in 1995, but I’m confident we got our money’s worth that day.

Hi my name is Nathaniel from Sirius Satellite Radio. I'm prepared to offer you 40% off our normal yearly rate if you sign back up today.
Sorry Nathaniel, to be honest I never really used your service back when I had it for free.
Never used it?!?!?! May I ask what you didn't like about it?
I didn't say I didn't like it. I'm just saying I didn't use it.
And why is that?
Because I have an iPod?
But are you aware of Sirius' many different...
Actually it's not even that. Every trip I take in that car involves a kid's DVD of some kind. I can't remember the last time I listened to my own music in that car.
How about half off the normal yearly rate?
I can recite Finding Nemo word for word. I am not your market.
Ha!!! I actually know what you mean. Ok thanks for your time.

Whenever I’m changing Olive’s diaper, I’ll find myself singing “she’s got the funk, she’s gotta have that funk”.

Somehow I doubt George Clinton was singing about that, but hey you never know.

She’s got the funk. She’s gotta have that funk. She’s got the funk. She’s gotta have that funk. There’s a real type of thing, going down, gettin’ down. There’s a whole lot of smellin goin’ round.

We’re gonna change, this diaper out!!!

/prints this post for Olivia and puts it in her baby box

Ask Brian

It’s now time for another edition of Ask Brian, where my readers write in to ask for my advice or to comment on what’s going on in the world even though I only have 6 or 7 readers so the names, comments, and questions were obviously just made up by me just now.

Dear Brian,

Why is it that every time there’s a domestic violence story in the news, I have to read about how badly all men suck? I’ve never hit my girlfriend, so why should I get blamed?

Tired in Kankakee

Dear Tired,
It’s because 96% of all men suck, so we’re just rounding up. Think about it; even you had to frame your question around the notion that you’ve “never hit your girlfriend.” Well good for you, Skeezik. That doesn’t deserve praise. And dad’s with daughters, this goes for you too. Quit saying “ever since I had a daughter, I’ve had a different perspective on things”. Oh? So before it was okay to be a dick, but now that little Madison was born, you’re gonna stop? Please. The way I see it, the only guys who are offended by misandry are the ones with something to hide. If you have nothing to hide, then maybe they’re not necessarily talking about you. Believe me, when they’re talking about you specifically, you’ll know. In which case, I won’t care about your feelings anymore anyway. So quit giving a shit and move on.

Dear Brian,

I don’t really understand the outrage towards Adrian Peterson disciplining his 4 year old. When I was a kid, my parents used to beat me with a switch as well, and I turned out okay.

Sick of PC Crap in Aurora

Dear Sick,
I have a hard truth for you. You didn’t actually turn out okay. In fact you’re a bit of an asshole and even your close friends and family think so. Honestly they’re just being polite to your face, but it’s quite the scene behind your back. Nobody has the balls to call you out on all your bullshit facebook ramblings, but I’ll do it. I am sorry you were abused as a child and hope you get the help you need. However, your opinions are stupid and everyone hates you.

Dear Brian,

I love your site and think you’re hilarious. I always knew you’d do great things.

Big Fan in Carol Stream

Dear Mom, er, I mean Big Fan,
Thank you for always reading.

This parenting thing is easy once you find the right babysitter

Man, this box of Cheez-Its is almost empty. Didn't we just buy them?
Well I haven't eaten a Cheez-It in my whole life, and Owen can't reach that high, so...
You think he climbed all the way up there?

Lady at my airport terminal is flipping out right now because she had a 9am flight that was delayed to 11:30, so she switched to my flight which was scheduled for 10:45. Now my flight is delayed to 12:45 and her original flight is currently boarding, but they’re not letting her switch back.

It doesn’t sound like she’s late for anything life saving, so watching this unfold has been almost worth my flight being delayed.

I hope you don't mind but I turned the air down.
No good?
I mean I guess that's fine, but I'm already sweating balls over here.
Yeah me too, that's why I turned it...down.
[confused look]
[confused look back]
Wait, did you turn the air down, or...I'm sorry, what the hell?
Yeah, what are you talking about?
I really don't know.
I turned it down from 74 to 72.
Oh geez. So you turned the air UP.
Ha. No, I turned it DOWN.
I feel like I'm in the middle of an Abbott and Costello routine.
You're not gonna put this on your blog, are you?
I would never!!!
The medical bills for Olivia’s birth are finally paid off. Both of my kids are officially mine. Woo Hoo!!!