1 Happy St.

My 2 year old and 10 month old have officially begun fighting over toys. Round 1 went to Olive. She’s little but tough.

Only 18 more years or so until they’re friends again. I’m figuring right around the time Owen buys her and her friends their first bottle of Boone’s Farm. That’s still a thing, right?

1HappySt Presents, seeing a VP in the hall

Her: Hi Brian.
Me: Good, and you?

/walks away feeling stupid

This has been seeing a VP in the hall, presented by 1HappySt

Congratulations. You deserve it. You know who you are.

Congratulations. You deserve it. You know who you are.

I had a tree guy come over on Monday to trim back and shape all of my trees. Some of the branches were hitting up against the house all winter, so this was long overdue.

Have you ever met one of these guys though? An arborist I mean. They’re a trip. This is the 2nd one I’ve met and they’ve both been equally eccentric, so I’m now just assuming they’re all like this. Thankfully I compiled a list of actual quotes I heard him say while he was here.

"Any arborist worth his shit doesn’t need the tree to be budding to know which branches are dead. And if you ever hear one of them say otherwise, kindly escort him back to his truck and ask for your money back. Guys like that give guys like me a bad name. No I’m serious. They shouldn’t be doing this for a living." (I wasn’t even questioning him. I could tell this was a touchy subject because he went on some more later, such as….)

"You see, you can just feel the branch and know if it’s alive or not. It sounds strange but she’ll talk to you. Even just knocking on it. There’s plenty of tricks to this that don’t include having to see leaves."

"See? You try. Give her a knock." (I wish I could have been a neighbor at this moment, looking over at me in my backyard as I knocked on a tree branch and put my ear to it).

"No, no, you did the right thing by calling me. This is the perfect time to be doing this. The only tree I wouldn’t recommend trimming right now would be an oak." (I don’t have any oaks, but I thought this information would be useful in case any of you do. Don’t trim your oak right now. He told me why, but I don’t remember the exact reasons he gave. Just wait until October. This has been a 1HappySt PSA).

"Wow she’s a beaut!! And yes it is a she. Damn she’s quite nice. I’ll peel her back a bit, but not too much. Just some cosmetics is all. She’s beautiful as is." (yes he was referring to a tree)

"Do you know the difference between a male and a female? If you look down by the trunk, you’ll notice this one doesn’t have any balls……..ha, no I’m just kidding. But actually it’s kind of funny because female trees will have nuts and berries, but not the males. This one gets berries, right?

I swear that whole conversation really happened. I’m pretty sure I answered yes to that, but who the hell knows? I do know that I’m calling this guy back every year because he was awesome. tree guys are awesome.

If I had a time machine, I’d use it to go back in time to when Dove ice cream bars were bigger. And if eating one was all I did, I’d still be satisfied with my use of the time machine.

Here’s the possibly NSFW trailer for Sex Tape. After watching it, 3 things come to mind.

1. There’s a 0.000001 percent chance my wife and I would make a sex tape

2. There’s a 0.000000001 percent chance we’d then share it with others.

3. There’s a 0.00000000000001 percent chance we’d give out iPad’s to friends and family (and our mailman) for Christmas.

Are they kidding with that plot device? Fucking iPads as gifts? Is that a thing?

hef:

Well done, internet.

I bet the creator of this wishes they hadn’t screwed up the Craig Thomas/Carter Bays thing, but yeah this is funny.

hef:

Well done, internet.

I bet the creator of this wishes they hadn’t screwed up the Craig Thomas/Carter Bays thing, but yeah this is funny.

It’s quite the phenomenon how different 55 degrees feels in March versus September. Earlier today I saw a guy driving with the top down on his convertible, and I can’t even say that I blame him. But if this were September, we’d all be busting out our winter clothes for the first time and complaining that we’re totally not ready for this.

I say we make this fake passive-aggressive Facebook status day.

I just want to let you know that I love you all. You have each had a profound effect on my life and I’m sorry it has to end up this way, but such is life. Please don’t forget me.

/publish
//log off for the rest of the day
///turn off cell phone

Who’s with me?

Let’s see, should I position this toaster knob right here directly between the 2 and 3, which will require me to put my bagel through a 2nd cycle that I’ll have to remember to pop manually halfway through to prevent it from burning? Or should I just move the knob ever so slightly towards the 3 and burn it on the 1st go-around?

It’s a good thing she’s not old enough to ask for a car yet, because I’m pretty sure this kid is getting anything she wants.

By the way, if any of you are interested in donating to the Olivia Gets Anything She Wants Fund, let me know and I’ll send you my paypal info. Thanks.

It’s a good thing she’s not old enough to ask for a car yet, because I’m pretty sure this kid is getting anything she wants.

By the way, if any of you are interested in donating to the Olivia Gets Anything She Wants Fund, let me know and I’ll send you my paypal info. Thanks.

1 Happy St Presents, A Basketball Conversation With My 8 Year Old Goddaughter
Emily: We lost 12-8. I scored two baskets though.
Me: No kidding. 4 points?
Emily: Yeah.
Me: That's 20% of the game's total. If this were the NBA, that would translate to about 40 or so. That's MJ territory.
Emily: What territory?
Me: Michael Jordan.
Emily: [blank stare]
Me: Michael Jordan? You serious?
Emily: [shrugs]
/Brian's head explodes

Tumblr, I could use your advice. There’s something in the kid’s toy box that’s making noise and it’s down near the bottom. Do I throw the entire box in the garbage? Or do I move?

I’m open to other options, but those are the only two I can think of right now.

Judge Judy: “So let me get this straight. You receive government assistance to help pay for clothes for your children and out of that, you were able to save $700 which you used to help your boyfriend on a down payment for a car?”

Plaintiff: “That’s correct.”

Judge Judy who stares daggers at people who game the system is my 2nd favorite Judge Judy, narrowly edged by Judge Judy who doesn’t understand social media and asks a clueless Byrd “have you ever heard of this tweeter or twatter?”

Hello Weather. So we meet again.

/quickly draws gun, shoots Weather in the face
//crowd cheers
///Weather gets back up and laughs at me

Oh fuck.

Hey sorry about shooting you in the face just now. I meant nothing by it. It was a gag. You know I was just messin’. Hey did you watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine last night? Wonderful show.

More snow?!?!? Come on, Man. I was just kidding!!!!

And this concludes today’s edition of 1HappySt’s Stupid Metaphors