Tumblr, I could use your advice. There’s something in the kid’s toy box that’s making noise and it’s down near the bottom. Do I throw the entire box in the garbage? Or do I move?
I’m open to other options, but those are the only two I can think of right now.
Judge Judy: “So let me get this straight. You receive government assistance to help pay for clothes for your children and out of that, you were able to save $700 which you used to help your boyfriend on a down payment for a car?”
Plaintiff: “That’s correct.”
[Judge Judy’s head explodes]
Judge Judy who stares daggers at people who game the system is my 2nd favorite Judge Judy, narrowly edged by Judge Judy who doesn’t understand social media and asks a clueless Byrd “have you ever heard of this tweeter or twatter?”
Hello Weather. So we meet again.
/quickly draws gun, shoots Weather in the face
///Weather gets back up and laughs at me
Hey sorry about shooting you in the face just now. I meant nothing by it. It was a gag. You know I was just messin’. Hey did you watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine last night? Wonderful show.
More snow?!?!? Come on, Man. I was just kidding!!!!
And this concludes today’s edition of 1HappySt’s Stupid Metaphors
I started recording that 2 days ago. I think eventually he’ll want to come upstairs to eat.
Got a new gym membership yesterday. This place is walking distance from my house, it’s cheap as hell, has everything I need, and based on what I’ve seen from driving past it a few times and being there yesterday to sign up, it’s always practically empty. Pretty sweet deal.
This morning I set my alarm for 5:15 so I could wake up, walk on over, get a quick workout in, come home, have a cup of coffee and read the paper before work. My plan went down to near perfection aside from one minor detail.
5:15 - “Fuck that”
[goes back to bed]
6:45 - “Well? Time for work.”
This is going to work out* perfectly.
* pun intended
Jasper isn’t afraid of the megabeast. And neither is Jessa.
I don’t regret this post at all.
First, my apologies to Olivia for dressing her up in her brother’s clothes. But opportunities for potential cuteness far outweigh opportunities for a potential fashion faux pas.
That’s Owen on the left, February 2012 and Olive on the right, February 2014.
I think I got me some twins.
I love my new scooter. Thanks Dad.
You’re welcome, Son. Glad you figured out how to ride it correctly.
I feel like after 2 and a half years of parenting, one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned so far is that you don’t want to be an expert in anything. The only reason you’d ever be an expert about a particular parenting subject is if there’s been a problem or delay related to it. And so far, I feel like I’m an expert in each of the following things:
- Speech therapy
- Ear infections
- How to get toddlers to eat better
- How to cure diaper rash
- Is this small lump anything to be concerned with?
- How many Cheez Its are too many Cheez Its?
I don’t really want to be an expert in any of those things. In fact, I’d prefer to be dumb about all of it. And yet here we are. Two years ago I only knew that ears were used for hearing. Today I can probably rattle off every portion of an inner ear canal as well as an ENT.
Parenting, am I right? Who knew?
Also, the answer is 15. 15 Cheez Its are too many. 14 is fine.
Well, I did it again. I typed “my” in an email when I meant to type “me”.
Son of a bitch, what the hell is wrong with my.
Don't you go declaring romance to be dead just yet...
You didn't get me anything for Valentine's Day, right?
Well, not really. I picked you up a card yesterday, but I haven't filled it out yet.
Really? Ok well nothing else please. 'Cause I'm not getting you anything.
How about just a hug? And to tell you how much I love you?
Nah that's ok. I mean you can if you want I guess.
Dinner and a movie?
Pizza and Netflix?
Happy Valentine's Day.
Next year no card.
This here, this is Owen. He went to the Chicago Auto Show yesterday. He got to play in all the cars. He loved it. His favorite was probably the big truck from Ford because it had the most buttons. He pushed all of them. Later, he would sit in the driver seat of a Toyota 4runner for like 20 minutes, even while strangers stood off to the side waiting for him to leave. But his dad didn’t care, because Owen had been looking forward to this day for weeks. Plus, go find another 4runner. There’s like 3 of them. Keep giving that dirty look, Lady. I really don’t give a shit. I’m polite all the time, but not now. Owen stays as long as he wants.
Thanks, Chicago Auto Show!!!
You curling people are just fucking with me, right? I remember hearing about it 4 years ago in Vancouver, but I never really got around to watching it. Well today I gave it a shot. And I’m confused. How is this watchable?
That’s rhetorical. I think. Watching curling to me is like watching a group of friends play each other in darts. I’m confident these curlers are better than I would be at it, but that’s only because they practice it every night while I sit off to the side with a beer wishing it were my turn. Or that we’d leave and go some place else.
Yeah, curling. Not for me.
/adds curling to the list of things people claim to love despite how badly it sucks
//places it comfortably at #2, but still miles behind bloody mary’s
I wonder if the “nobody cares, is he any good at football?” crowd realizes they sound just as dumb as the “I don’t want some dude checking me out in the shower” crowd.
Apparently there’s a portion of my brain that’s occupied with lyrics to songs that I’ve never actually paid close attention to. How else can I explain waking up this morning and singing practically an entire verse of Miley Cyrus’s We Can’t Stop? I had no idea I even knew the words to this.
It’s my mortgage I can pay when I want. It’s my minivan I can add a racing stripe if I want. It’s my 401k I can invest where I want. I can eat what I want, I can drink what I want.
Ok so maybe I don’t know all the lyrics exactly, but I think I’m close.