I had a tree guy come over on Monday to trim back and shape all of my trees. Some of the branches were hitting up against the house all winter, so this was long overdue.
Have you ever met one of these guys though? An arborist I mean. They’re a trip. This is the 2nd one I’ve met and they’ve both been equally eccentric, so I’m now just assuming they’re all like this. Thankfully I compiled a list of actual quotes I heard him say while he was here.
"Any arborist worth his shit doesn’t need the tree to be budding to know which branches are dead. And if you ever hear one of them say otherwise, kindly escort him back to his truck and ask for your money back. Guys like that give guys like me a bad name. No I’m serious. They shouldn’t be doing this for a living." (I wasn’t even questioning him. I could tell this was a touchy subject because he went on some more later, such as….)
"You see, you can just feel the branch and know if it’s alive or not. It sounds strange but she’ll talk to you. Even just knocking on it. There’s plenty of tricks to this that don’t include having to see leaves."
"See? You try. Give her a knock." (I wish I could have been a neighbor at this moment, looking over at me in my backyard as I knocked on a tree branch and put my ear to it).
"No, no, you did the right thing by calling me. This is the perfect time to be doing this. The only tree I wouldn’t recommend trimming right now would be an oak." (I don’t have any oaks, but I thought this information would be useful in case any of you do. Don’t trim your oak right now. He told me why, but I don’t remember the exact reasons he gave. Just wait until October. This has been a 1HappySt PSA).
"Wow she’s a beaut!! And yes it is a she. Damn she’s quite nice. I’ll peel her back a bit, but not too much. Just some cosmetics is all. She’s beautiful as is." (yes he was referring to a tree)
"Do you know the difference between a male and a female? If you look down by the trunk, you’ll notice this one doesn’t have any balls……..ha, no I’m just kidding. But actually it’s kind of funny because female trees will have nuts and berries, but not the males. This one gets berries, right?
I swear that whole conversation really happened. I’m pretty sure I answered yes to that, but who the hell knows? I do know that I’m calling this guy back every year because he was awesome. tree guys are awesome.