“I love the Heimlich! I’m always doing the Heimlich! It’s one of my favorite maneuvers!”—
Now that John’s no longer with us, there’s really only 1 other person on the planet who would have understood this reference, and I’m not on tumblr during the day. Thankfully I checked back on what I missed from earlier.
November {cough} resolutions
I know it’s still only November, but I’m thinking of getting a jump start on my New Years resolution this year. Every year in January, I make a promise to change something in my life and I usually do a pretty good job of keeping up with it. But since I already know what I plan on changing this year, I figured why wait until next month to get started. So starting this weekend, I plan to take up smoking.
We’re all aware of the risks of not smoking: you have increased lung capacity so people expect you to help them carry shit, you have less time available to socialize, you care when other people smoke, and probably most importantly, you have fewer 15 minute breaks at work. So I think it’s high time I start taking advantage of the obvious benefits that smoking has to offer. I’ve worked in the same office building for years, but there’s dozens of people who work in the very same building as me whom I’ve never met. And you know why? It’s because I’m not outside smoking with them. Ask a smoker about that good-looking girl from the 3rd floor who’s always standing right outside the smoker’s door and they’re going to have the entire scoop. “Oh she works on 3. Her name is Heather. She’s really cool; went to Northwestern. I talk to her sometimes when I’m out smoking.” See? Now that can be me. Also, I think about the next time one of my friends has to move. They’re going to call me up on a Tuesday afternoon or something and say “hey Man, what are you doing on Saturday?” and I’ll say “nothing I don’t think” and they’ll say “can you help me move?” Normally I’d be stuck. I wouldn’t be able to think of a way to get out of it right there on the fly. But check this out:
“Oh you know what, I really haven’t felt all that great lately. I’ve got a scratchy throat and I’ve been coughing up a lung for weeks. I should really quit smoking. Yeah right. Anyway, I really don’t think I’ll be able to help this weekend, I should really just get some rest. Sorry.”
And they won’t be able to say shit. They’ll completely understand. All because of cigarettes.
So Happy New Year, everyone. Here’s to a year full of smoke breaks, increased socializing, and getting out of doing shit. Cheers!
1 Happy St's smart tip of the week
Always look both ways before crossing.
Oh, and try to avoid getting hit by that on-coming car as well.
I don’t want to give you all the wrong idea. I’m not back exactly. I know that will come as a huge disappointment to the four of you who hit refresh on my site every 30 seconds in hopes that I’ll have another hilarious anecdote to share. Rather, this is just me stopping by to say hello. My access is working today, but it’s only temporary. But never fear, for I’ll be back again next Thursday with some more fantastic comedy.
I love you all [4 of you].
Kisses.
Um yeah, you sure you want me?
Boss: Would you mind letting a H.S. student sit with you for a day as part of our job shadowing program?
Employee: No, not at all.
“This here, this is youtube. You’ll find lots of funny shit on here.”
[10 minutes later]
“And this…this is my blog. I update it occasionally. Nothing all that good.”
[4 hours later]
“Well, it’s about time for lunch. You like Wendy’s? My treat.”
I just got an email from “PayPal” saying my account was expired and I needed to renew and to “click here”. The attached hyperlink is fake and will most likely will bring you to a place you don’t want…
“I haven’t seen something as hopeless as [this series between the Yankees and the Phillies] since I went to my first real dance in the sixth grade. Hair parted down the middle, french cuffs in my…
Her: No for real. If I were to die tomorrow, do you think you’d ever get remarried?
Him: Tough to say. All I can say for sure is that you’re the only person I’ve ever met who I could ever see…
“I know there are laws about inciting violence via hate speech, and I most certainly don’t want to do that by providing suggestions for what people should do to Favre if he’s spotted anywhere in…
Send a broadcast message to the entire floor that says, “I bought some extra Halloween candy. It’s in the breakroom. Get it while it lasts.”
Only 3 injuries reported this time though, so that’s…
For reasons beyond my control, 1happyst.tumblr.com may have been updated for the last time, so this may be my only other option.
I’m still debating. I’ll let you know though.
The next internet meme that’s surely to sweep the nation my computer. I’ve been listening to this for 45 straight minutes. I now have an eye twitch.
When a texting typo almost makes sense
A: Wanna go out for some breakfast?
B: Yes. Breakfast sounds pretty food right about now.
Or don't. It doesn't matter either way really.
Okay come back.
If you have a comment or complaint (or you'd like to tell Brian how awesome you think he is), you can reach him at sharpbri@gmail.com
