1 Happy St.

Jill sent me a picture of Olivia wearing a necklace made of fruit loops. I’ll give you a list of responses I sent back and you try to pick out the one she liked best.

A. She asked for jewelry, not drool-ery
B. Every kiss begins with Kellogg
C. Is that Breakfast at Tiffany’s?
D. None of the above. In fact she probably ignored them all completely until I responded a few minutes later with “come on, none of those? Really? Not even the breakfast at Tiffany’s one?” At which point she finally responded back “sorry was on the phone with my mom” but we all know that’s not true.

Daddy ruined summer, inflatable pool edition
Jill: (struggling to blow up the inflatable pool by mouth)
Me: Want me to use the air compressor for that?
Jill: Sure.
[POP]
Jill: /shakes head

I’m not sure if you are aware or not of what happened on a certain part of sports twitter earlier today, but if you hadn’t heard, I’ll recap it quickly for you. Basically this dude named Stephen A Smith from ESPN’s show First Take decided to share his opinion about domestic violence, and one of his main points was that women need to share in the responsibility when it comes to preventing it. I’m not joking, that was really what he said on his major television network that’s worth hundreds of billions of dollars.

I’m assuming by “preventative measures”, he means that women need to know when to walk away when they’re about to get punched. I guess? I only made it through the first minute of his segment that was posted on Deadspin, but in that minute he checked off every sign of victim blaming. He might as well have just sat in his chair and defined it.  Sometimes I think defining something is harder than finding specific examples of it; this was a specific example that did both.

Victim blaming [verb]: what Stephen A Smith just said.

He must have been getting a lot of shit after the segment aired because he took to twitter this afternoon to “clarify” his remarks. And it was all very typical of what you’d expect from someone who could even have that opinion in the first place.

“I would never condone hitting a woman, let me repeat that. But they need to share in preventative measures.”

That was his clarification in a nutshell. He basically repeated exactly what he had said earlier on his show. I’d give him a shovel, but he’d only beat me over the head with it. Which according to him, I’d be partially to blame for.

The thing that comes to my mind when stuff like this dominates the sporting news for the day (and it seems to be happening more and more) is how prevalent the thinking is of people like this. The racism and the homophobia and the misogyny that you find just by being on social media every day has reached the point now where I genuinely worry about our future. No I’m serious. I’m not being overly dramatic here. I really do think this is a serious societal problem. I don’t believe this is just a small minority of internet trolls who are looking for a rise; I think it’s way more prevalent than we even like to admit or acknowledge.

Have these people always existed? Is it just that every Neanderthal meathead with a computer or television show now has a forum to share their opinions? I don’t know the answer to that. But I do know that instead of focusing on how to address racism and homophobia and misogyny and maybe even how to empathize with a group or groups that aren’t exactly like us, we’re instead focusing on people like Stephen A. Smith whose goal it seems is to battle progress in those regards every step of the way.

And to be blunt, it fucking sucks.

Do you remember that scene at the end of Bill and Ted when George Carlin says “they do get better…”? I’m hoping Owen is just at the “playing for the first time together in our garage” stage of his throwing ability. But for now it’s still too damn funny.

Anybody know of a customer support email address for Mozilla? I have a kudos all typed up I’d like to send their way.

Dear Mozilla,
Thank you for always remembering which tabs I had opened after each time my Firefox crashes. Your thoughtfulness and caring during these difficult times are a great consolation to not crashing.
Love, Brian

Yes you can both have whatever you want.

Yes you can both have whatever you want.

Two people who just finished s2 of Orange is the New Black
So that's it?
You didn't like it?
No I liked it. But what do we do now?
We could talk to each other.
[simultaneous laughter]

Being a good dad means not overreacting to the excruciating pain caused by a toddler running up to you and jumping on your lap while you’re sitting on the floor, absolutely crushing your entire mid-region with his knee. Yeah, both balls. The entire package. Obliterated with a knee.

Okay so I’m not a good dad, but what do you want from me? He should be more careful.

Step 324: If someone calls you out for saying something shitty …

adulting:

Just own up to it. Seriously. Don’t freak out, don’t spend time trying to justify whatever you just said. And, HINT: the more of an urge you feel to justify what you just said, the greater the chance that it was indeed very shitty and this is your way of coping with your own shame.

Say, “Wow, you’re right. I’m really sorry, and thank you for letting me know that.” Then, don’t say that shitty thing again. 

Can I just delete all the posts and hope people forget?

I have a feeling that one day when I look back on the most nervous moments of my entire life, it’ll be a 3-way tie between my wedding day, when Jill went into labor with Owen, and when I sat in a jury duty room waiting for my name to be called and my cell phone battery percentage dropped below 10%.

Would YOU have known what I meant?
Earlier this month Kate and I watched our wedding video and you were in it of course. Do you remember when the camera went around asking the guests to say something to us?
Vaguely. Oh no what did I say?
No it was nothing bad. We just don't know what it means. You ended it with "congratulations to both of you. You're clearly MFEO." It's been bothering us ever since. What the hell is MFEO?
Ha! It's from Sleepless in Seattle. You're clearly made for each other. And it's been 12 years so I was right.
Ah. I'm not sure if I'm glad I know now or not.
You are. This is good info.
Then thanks.
You're welcome.
Steps for disciplining a 2 year old

Step 1: Walk up behind him and say “hey get down from there”

Step 2: Wait for him to get down from there.

Step 3: Thank him for getting down from there.

Repeat this process every 90 seconds.

Sometimes when I’m standing in line at Johnnie’s Beef for what has turned out to be the 2nd day in a row, I find myself wondering which employee’s kid I’ve put through college. Hopefully it’s the drink lady. She seems nice. Always smiling. I wonder if her kid appreciates all she puts up with standing on her feet all day.

Just once I’d like to see someone’s tbt picture be from their 7th grade yearbook when they wore a white turtleneck beneath a black cardigan for some reason and my god that ridiculous fucking haircut holy shit did your mom cut your hair who leaves the house like that there’s no way kids didn’t bully you.

I’m not talking about me.

I came into the office today for the first time in a few weeks and apparently there’s a new person who sits nearby [ding] who’s been getting [ding] texts every 30 [ding] seconds or so [ding] since I got here. Anyone have any [ding] recommendations on how I should [ding] handle this? Try to [ding] ignore it? [ding] Or walk over there and [ding] grab their phone and smash it [ding] to pieces [ding]? [Ding]