January 2012
10 posts
So I think I finally got a pretty decent workout schedule down. So far it’s really been working out well for me. Monday through Friday are my rest days, then Saturday and Sunday I cram it all in. Of course I’ve been busy on the weekends recently, so I haven’t exactly been able to keep up with the program. But starting some time in the summer, I hope to be pretty consistent with...
I just sent a gmail chat message to a friend of mine that said “oh man, did you hear the news?!?!?!?!” He responded back with “no, what?” Then I logged off.
If you’re as bored as I am today, feel free to do the same to one of your contacts.
I see that Lauren Conrad is trending #1 on yahoo’s homepage. This comes one day after I sorta kinda referenced being Team Kristin, so of course I had to click to find out why she was trending. Apparently she’s in the news because she dyed her hair pink. Or something. Sometimes I hate you, America.
“Son of a bitch, I forgot to DVR “Rob” last night.”
– No One
Thoughts at 1am
Oh shit, it’s only 1:08. What the hell was I dreaming about? I have a feeling this is going to be one of those nights where I lie here in bed for a few hours thinking about stuff for no reason. Why is my mind racing? Is this an anxiety attack? My head is spinning. I have to wake up early and put gas in my car. Why didn’t I do it on my way home from work yesterday? Between that and the snow,...
A handful of Happy Thoughts
- If Lexus wanted to capture a real moment between two spouses at Christmas, the recipient of the Lexus would have been all “holy shit, how could you spend that kind of money without talking to me first? And how much extra did you pay for that fucking big red bow that will piss off the garbage man?” Then they’d spend the rest of the commercial arguing over if they can afford the...
During lunch today, I think I got the best haircut I’ve ever had. That might not be the best way to describe it since every one of my previous haircuts have ranged from “I look like Lloyd Christmas” to “I guess it could be worse”. But now I am officially re-calibrating my haircut scale to top out at “Not bad. (/turns head side to side). Really not bad”.
...
I married a woman whose brain works like this...
Her: Can you stop at 7-11 and pick up a case of beer on your way home?
Me: One case of beer, coming up.
Her: You know what, make it a 12 pack. We’ll go to the grocery store tomorrow.
Me: One 12 pack, coming up.
Her: Actually, never mind. We’re good. Just come home.
Me: No beer then?
Her: Well…no just come home. Or whatever. What do you think?
Me: I think I’m...
December 2011
15 posts
This New Years Eve, you have my permission to be that guy or gal at your party who screams out “FIVE MORE MINUTES!!!” at 11:55pm. So do it loud, and do it proud.
Pssst, you do not have permission to yell it early for laughs like at 11 or something. That’s MY thing. And I’m not giving it up yet.
Someone distract him while I dump this
Him: Want a Coke? I’m buyin’.
Me: Sure. Thanks.
1 minute later
Him: Sorry, all they had was Pepsi.
Me: Oh that’s ok. Thanks Man.
Him: Any time.
Let’s hope not.
To pass the time on this complete waste of a workday, I shall now do the bunny hop all the way to the men’s room and back. See you in 45 minutes…
I’ve noticed that my diet recently has consisted of a bunch of shit and a multi-vitamin. I wonder how long this can continue.
I’m still waiting for the “shit guys say” video with a guy staring expressionless at a television while his wife is asking him a question, followed by him finally looking up after about 30 seconds and saying “huh?”
Overseen in a Reply All
A: Pearl Jam tribute band Friday night in Doylestown. Who’s with me?
B: Can’t. Find a better man.
/tugs at my heart strings
I heard an instrumental song on the radio the other day and I want to buy it on iTunes, but I didn’t catch the artist’s name or the song title. It goes dah dah daaaaaah, dah dah dah dah daaaaaah, dah dah dah. Anybody know what I’m thinking of?
I really want to see ‘New Years Eve’ tonight. With so many A-List actors involved, I bet the performances are terrific and their characters all completely believable and developed. Who’s with me? Don’t all raise your hands at once.
The day Mark Buehrle and I break up
Mark Buehrle was the first player the White Sox had on their team who was my age. I’m not counting Jon Garland because he came up and sucked at first. But in the summer of 2000, I watched Mark Buehrle’s first appearance on TV. I think it was against the Brewers. Hawk Harrelson was going on and on about how he almost always threw first pitch strike. And sure enough, he was doing it....
My office has been a little relaxed with the dress code for the last few months, so I’ve been wearing jeans every day. But today there’s some important people visiting from out of town, so we were told to dress appropriately. I’m wearing some suit pants that I haven’t worn in a while, and clearly I’ve gained a few pounds, ‘cause they’re tight as shit....
November 2011
14 posts
I got a courtesy letter in the mail from Wells Fargo confirming that I went on line recently and updated my account to reflect my new address. The letter itself was sent to my old address. Seriously. There’s a sticker on the envelope from the Post Office asking me to notify the sender of my new fucking address. My mind is exploding.
I live by numerous rules, none of which I’ve found to be more important than this one: “Never participate in an activity that will save you or make you less money than if you simply spent those extra hours working at your actual job.” So far this rule has protected me from participating in the following activities:
- Providing product feedback to market research teams for...
I just learned that I have to work on Circle The Parking Lot For A Good Spot So You Can Go Inside And Fight Someone Over The Last Remaining Discounted iPad Day. What a jip.
Overheard in the office: navigating the stairs...
This couldn’t have come at a worse time; I was just about to place the 5 of clubs on top of the 6 of diamonds.
I think the rest of my work day is pretty much mapped out. I’m gonna lean back in my chair, kick my feet up on my desk, and slowly navigate my way through this mandatory ergonomics course they’re making me take. Anybody know what ergonomics is?
I'd like to buy a vowel...a Q
I don’t think I’d ever want to be a contestant on Wheel of Fortune. I just know there’d be a puzzle with a phrase that everyone in the world has heard of except me, which would lead to something like this…
“Um, I’d like to solve the puzzle. It’s raining bats and frogs.”
Afterwards I’d curse out Pat and the uppity bitch standing next to me...
Happy Thoughts
I hate it when the bar of soap starts to near the end of its life-cycle. I never know what to do with it. Do I place it on top of the new bar of soap and hope that they fuse together? Nah, then it looks like the new bar of soap has a tumor or something and it’ll be a day or two before it looks normal again. I always end up just cleaning myself repeatedly until the little guy dissolves completely....
I went to Famous Footwear on Wednesday to shop for some black shoes that I can wear with jeans. Not quite dress shoes, but not gym shoes either. I ended up finding a pair of black Skechers. I wasn’t crazy about them, but they were comfortable enough and were only $49, so I took them to the register. Once at the register though, the checkout girl marked them as $79. And it wasn’t her...
I just brewed nearly a full cup of coffee before realizing I forgot to put a mug down to catch it. Anybody want to clean up a half cup of coffee from my kitchen counter and floor? I’m going back to bed and starting over tomorrow.
I feel like I just created a pretty decent workout playlist. It should definitely come in handy when I’m sitting in my car in traffic while I daydream of working out.
Him: “Wanna go for a walk? I could use some exercise.”
Her: “You have Dorito crumbs on your shirt.”
Him: “I think you just referenced my Step 1. Remove Dorito crumbs from shirt. Ok done. Let’s go.”
And now, a backlog of Happy Thoughts
- There are 2 types of people in this world: those who think there are 2 types of people in this world, and those who don’t. I’m in the former.
- Hugh Jackman is in a movie about huge boxing robots, and yet the main robot is not named Huge Ackman. I feel like this was a wasted opportunity.
- I recently heard the song “Do Me” by Bell Biv DeVoe while listening to...
You may have noticed that you haven’t seen much from me recently. Well that’s because I…wait what’s that? You didn’t notice? For real? It’s been like 2 weeks. Why do you even follow me then?
Fine, well for the rest of you who actually care about me and were concerned for my well being, the reason for my extended absence was because I moved. That’s right,...
October 2011
10 posts
Dear Stomach,
I know I had been avoiding you all day except for those 3 cups of coffee, but I think it was totally uncool of you to speak up about it on the elevator when it was just you, me, and that lady who joined us from the 5th floor. I don’t appreciate being embarrassed like that in front of strangers, and I think you totally creeped her out with that gurgling sound you made. First of...
I think a really dark final episode of Alvin and the Chipmunks could have had David Seville set up a ramp that leads up to the top of a bucket of water with a layer of sunflower seeds on top with David calling for Alvin saying, “here little buddy”. Maybe a bit twisted, yes. But it could also be a teaching moment. Kids, be a little asshole like Alvin, you pay the price. Also,...
Overheard in the office, carrying an Arby's bag...
Guy 1: Eating healthy today, huh?
Guy 2: Mind your business. Wait, you’re fucking smoking…
Guy 1: Ha, yeah, I’m just messin’. Enjoy your lunch.
Don’t worry, Folks, because in the next scene, Arby’s Guy kills Smoking Guy
Dear My Office,
Handing out ice cream sandwiches is not an “ice cream social”. Granted an ice cream sandwich is lovely most of the time. Like if I wasn’t expecting one, and you came over to my desk unannounced and was all “hey Brian, want an ice cream sandwich?”, I would have been all “heck yeah I do.” But in this case, where I was expecting some kind of...
1HappySt presents, "What it's like to be Hope...
Hope Solo’s Agent: “I have a project you might be….”
Hope Solo: “Let me stop you right there. I’m in.”
This has been, “What it’s like to be Hope Solo’s agent.”
“No, go ahead. You won’t be the only one.”
– My Brain, earlier this morning, debating on whether or not I should participate in my office’s Hawaiian shirt day. My brain was mistaken by the way.
I remember one time asking my dad to take me fishing, but he was all “if I take you once, you’ll want to go all the time, and I’m not opening up that can of worms”.
Prediction: next year’s iPhone will be even faster. With an even better camera. Oh man, can you imagine?
/saves this post to be re-published next year
September 2011
6 posts
One time back in 1st grade, my teacher Ms. Kevil called on me to name a capital. So I sat there quietly for a couple seconds before finally answering with “V”.
“That’s not funny, Brian,” she said.
But I wasn’t trying to be funny. I really did think she was asking me to name a capital letter. I also remember being caught off guard by the question, which under the circumstances seemed a bit out of...