January 2009
72 posts
Forwarded Emails, as bad as watching the Local...
peterwknox:
When I see a Forwarded Email from my mother (“Kitchen Fires!” “Obama’s Not Who You Think He Is!” “Internet Scams!” “Funniest Joke, Must Read!” “Identity Theft You Can’t Stop!” et al), I think she thinks I’ll read it and pass it along to everyone in my contact list, like she did.
She’s wrong.
I just delete them.
I like to forward spam like Britney Hardcore and penis-size...
Super Bowl prediction post
After each quarter, the Steelers will be at a 4 and the Cardinals will be at a 7 and I’ll collect a cool $1000. Book it.
Oh, you thought I meant who’s gonna win? Who gives a shit?
Go My Squares!!!!
A Few Good Follow-up Questions
Near the end of “A Few Good Men”, the judge holds Lt. Kaffey in contempt of court for badgering Col. Jessep on the witness stand. A little help from IMDB:
Kaffee: Lt. Kendrick ordered the Code Red because that’s what you told Lt. Kendrick to do! Ross: Object! Judge: Sustained! Kaffee: And when it went bad, you cut these guys loose! You coerced the doctor. Ross: Your honor!...
Right now crude oil prices are dropping because of housing, industry, and job numbers. It’s a good thing though because on Tuesday they shot up due to housing, industry, and job numbers. We don’t need that getting out of control.
Russell Simmons Tapped to Edit Hip-Hop Huffington... →
soupsoup:
A week after he toasted the inauguration of President Barack Obama at the Heineken- and Hennessey-sponsored Hip Hop Inaugural Ball (see Ta-Nehisi Coates’ Green Carpet in this week’s New Yorker), hip-hop oligarch Russell Simmons has a new gig: Editor-in-chief of Global Grind, a Web site that touts itself as presenting, “The World According to Hip-Hop.”
According to press release sent...
What kind of day are YOU having?
I get on the elevator to go to lunch. When I reach the lobby, I stick my right hand into my pocket and notice that my wallet isn’t there.
Crap! I must have left it upstairs on my desk.
I hop back on the elevator and head back up. I reach my desk.
Son of a bitch, it’s not there. What did I do with it?
Oh there it is. In my left hand.
It’s 7 o’clock, on the dot, I’m in my DROP TOP, cruisin’ the streets. I gotta real pretty, pretty little thing that’s waitin’ for me. I pull up, anticipating. Good love, don’t keep me waiting. I got plans to put my hands in places I’ve never seen, girl you know what I mean? Let me take you to a place nice and quiet. Where there ain’t no...
I get The Office and Office Space confused. That’s not to say that I don’t know which one I’m watching when I’m watching it. But rather, if someone were to say “at least I didn’t sleep with Lumbergh”, you might hear me respond with “ah, The Office, good one”.
I have a similar issue with Lean on Me and Stand By Me.
Cubicle Life
Darren (talking to me as I'm filling up the coffee pot with water): "Filling up the coffee pot with water?"
Me: "No, I'm using the microwave."
Darren: "Ha ha. No seriously, if you use that microwave, make sure to give Bobby $3. He bought it and we're all chipping in."
Me: "Who is Bobby?"
Darren: "He's the guy that sits over there that bought the microwave."
I hate Darren
peterwknox:
muppetpants:
wouldyou:
Have the ability to fly
OR
Have the ability to be invisible
Used to talk about this all the time (aren’t these really the only two?) and can definitively say I’ve ALWAYS wanted to fly (and always will). Flying not only has so many more advantages (travel, commute, sports!) but can be used for good (who needs a helicopter?) whereas it would only be a...
Hipsters Hate Billy Joel Because They Hate... →
littleorphanammo:
onemoretimewithfeeling:
natface:
soupsoup:
Regarding this.
The thing that is so annoying about the hipster aesthetic, and pretty much anyone who derides music based on its “authenticity” is that they’re so busy concerning themselves about being authentic that they’re contrived. Billy Joel doesn’t give a shit if you think he’s authentic or not while the almost singular...
You're Going To Be Talking About This: Citigroup... →
soupsoup:
(via thedailywhat)
The Post always has the best puns in their headlines. “Just Plane Despicable”. That’s 3 shades of brilliance. Bravo Mr. Headline Writer from the Post
Overheard in the office
An IM from co-worker Don:
Listen to Steve when he’s on the phone. He says “ya know” in every sentence. Sometimes it’s in the beginning, like “ya know, I don’t know, it’s kind of strange”. Sometimes it’s in the middle, like “I don’t know, ya know, I just don’t know”. And sometimes it’s in the end, like “I...
When your wife's a Cub fan, conversations like...
Me: You're gonna like the new Cubs owner. He's a young billionaire and he's a Cub fan. He met his wife in the bleachers of Wrigley back when he was getting his Masters.
Wife: We should all be so lucky.
Me: Yeah. Wait, what?
Blagojevich hires Drew Peterson's PR firm →
I saw that link and I thought to myself, “ha, that has to be an editorial making fun of Blago”. So I clicked it. Oh, it’s real. He really did hire Drew Peterson’s PR firm. Well that makes sense.
This man needs to kill himself.
Rock, Paper, Scissors? Paper, Scissors, Rock? Or Paper, Rock, Scissors?
And Go!
[If you start it with scissors, you’re eliminated]
I hate it when the bar of soap starts to near the end of its life-cycle. I never know what to do with it. Do I place it on top of the new bar of soap and hope that they fuse together? I hate to do that though because then it looks like the new bar of soap has a tumor or something and it’ll be a day or two before it looks normal again. I always end up just cleaning myself repeatedly until the...
I wouldn’t say that you’re wrong, but I will say that you’re fucking retarded.
Overheard in the office
Guy 1: Ugh, it smells like fart over here.
Guy 2: Yeah sorry, I farted.
Guy 1: Jeez Man, then why'd you call me over here?
Guy 2: I didn't think you'd be coming so fast.
Guy 1: That's what she said.
Michael Emerson's Emmy Reel, 2009
onemoretimewithfeeling:
shorterexcerpts:thewordunheard:fareastmeetswildwest:fatmanatee:bikerfish:perpetua:
This moment came out of nowhere, and made me laugh out loud. Love this gif.
Flush Pocket
On the actual Streets of Chicago...
streetsofchicago:
I was crossing the street to return to my office, when a larger lady slipped on some black ice behind me and completely took out my right knee. To make matters worse, I was wearing khakis and the ground was wet and muddy.
Result: Pants = destroyed. Right Knee = swollen. Right Thigh = numb with pain. Pride = in tact.
Wait this is a J. Peterman
Is it TAco bell or taco BELL?
complicatedshoes:
answer please.
It’s taCO bell, but don’t go BY me, I tend to get these THINGS wrong on occaSION
Brothers don't shake hands. Brothers gotta out...
Mark McGwire is being “outed” by his brother Jay for being a steroid user throughout his career in a new book by Jay that has yet to find a publisher. The money quote:
“Mark is a man I think most would like to forgive because his reason wasn’t nefarious - it was for survival. My bringing the truth to surface about Mark is out of love. I want Mark to live in truth to see...
Giants WR recovering after gunshot to the leg... →
complicatedshoes:
DECATUR, Ala. — New York Giants receiver Taye Biddle is recovering from gunshot wounds to his hand and leg after being shot while visiting family in his hometown.
…
Biddle was promoted from the Giants’ practice squad after receiver Plaxico Burress was suspended for a game in September.
Plaxico Burress, as you might remember, also shot himself in the leg in...
Darlin' won't you go and cut my hair
I have a theory that the quality of the haircut decreases as the hotness of the girl cutting it increases. And yet, if I had my choice, I’m still going with the hot girl.
I'll take a useless venture for a billion please,...
From the AP: A billionaire family of Chicago Cubs fans — including one who first met his wife in the bleachers at Wrigley Field — is set to purchase the team and ballpark from Tribune Co. The sale would include Wrigley Field and a 25 percent interest in a regional sports network, said Dennis Culloton, a spokesman for group head Tom Ricketts. Culloton said the deal was worth about $900...
Movies that are not meant to be watched with your...
onemoretimewithfeeling:
alohanico:
tylercoates:
(via everyone)
I SAW ELECTION WITH MY MOTHER IN THE THEATER.
I saw Wild Things in theatres with my super sheltered friend and her parents when I was in middle school. Also my aunt took me to see He Got Game in theatres because I was really into basketball at the time.
I saw Single White Female with my very prim and proper step-mom in the...
I suppose his day will live on in infamy, so... →
“Dec. 9 to my family, to us, to me, is what Pearl Harbor Day was to the United States. It was a complete surprise, completely unexpected. And just like the United States prevailed in that, we’ll prevail in this.” - Rod Blagojevich
Other things that are complete surprises and completely unexpected:
- Opening a door and there being another person on the other side
- The first...
SNL on Wednesday's →
I’m out of ideas. Me too. What if we dressed Kristin up like some freakish woman who creates mischief. We’ve done that 300 times already. Okay, well what if Will was in the scene with her and he…
A handful of final thoughts →
Why didn’t Aretha go with the big bow? Do you realize that we don’t have a President right now all because of Yo Yo Ma? (from Sam at about 12:01 ET) Hearing Barack Obama give a speech, I can’t…
Will he make mistakes? Sure. Actually he already... →
It turns out that Barack Obama made his 1st mistake as President only 3 sentences into his speech. When he said, “Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath”, that was wrong. It’s true…
I'd rather watch Army/Navy →
It sounds like I’m listening to a college football game. Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2009-2013 United States Executive Branch Woooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #44 (get it?), at President, Barack…
Only thing we have to fear is what your country... →
Wait, Barack Obama is only 47 years old? Wow that’s young. And he’s from Hawaii? That’s gotta be a first, right? No wonder people are making a big deal about this.
Overheard in the office →
“Johnny” is talking loudly near “Billy’s” desk. Billy: “Hey Johnny, someone on the other side of the floor wants to talk to you.” Johnny: “Who?” Billy: “It doesn’t matter. Pick someone.” Johnny:…
I don't know why I put myself through such things,... →
More overheard by Bulls color man Bill Wennington during the radio broadcast: “Nice penetration by Derrick Rose who was able to find an opening. With his length and quickness he has quite an…
I don't know why I put myself through such things →
Overheard by Bulls color man Bill Wennington during the radio broadcast: “That was a good possession on offense by the Bulls. Gordon missed the 3, but Deng was right there for the rebound. He did a…
IM conversation with co-worker (and Cub fan)... →
Don has been down on his team since the end of Game 3 against the Dodgers (actually it’s probably closer to the end of Game 1). On Sunday, his team traded the once-untouchable (and 5 tool?) prospect…
The most depressing would-be signing since Michael... →
Via ESPN Rumor Central: The Pittsburgh Pirates have contacted free agent pitcher Pedro Martinez and would be interested if the price is right, the Pittsburgh Post Gazette reported. I have no…
Thank God I'm a believer. Ha! →
Have you ever thought that the only thing keeping you from not being a murdering, lying, stealing criminal is that you’re not an atheist? I’ll be honest, if I was an atheist, I’d be in some serious…
Please turn off all devices and keep your seat... →
Headline seen: US Airways survivor texts: ‘My plane is crashing’
Well I guess now we know. It wasn’t a bird. Some asshole had their fucking cell phone turned on.
/we’re allowed to joke because…
Who was that guy who was in that movie about the... →
When I was watching Mannequin the other night (still don’t judge me), I noticed that the antagonist, well one of them, was James Spader. I forgot that he was in that, which makes sense because it…
It's cold out there. What is this Miami Beach? Not... →
One thought crossed my mind as I looked at the thermometer on my dashboard that was showing -18: it could be 50 degrees warmer and it would still be freezing. Pretty cool. Once it gets down to -18,…
This really happened →
Jill was wrapped up in a blanket on the couch. I got up to go to bed, so I handed her the TV remote. Jill: “No I don’t want it. I wouldn’t be able to flip anyway. I’m all wrapped up here.” Brian:…
I've got more chins than Chinatown. Ham on, ham... →
FoxSports.com has learned that the White Sox and pitcher Bartolo Colon have agreed to a one-year deal, pending a physical. Excellent. I wonder what happens during a physical of Bartolo Colon. White…
Shouldn't they be called "womannequins"? →
Okay I have an idea for a movie. Here me out, I think it’s rock solid. Hey, Rock Solid, that’s a pretty decent porn name. Alright, so this idea: a down-on-his-luck man in his mid-20’s keeps going…